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About How To Think About Marriage

Marriage is meant to be a lifelong bond of love and yet, love is failing in holding many marriages together. Where is love going wrong? It’s not for want of trying. Couples regularly try therapy, date nights, counselling and suchlike, all to remain married despite the odds piling up. Yet, the divorce rate remains high.

Why is love failing? Why are the efforts at staying together failing? The reason is that we’re looking for the solution in the wrong place. We’re placing responsibility, sometimes even blaming, the individuals in the marriage - the husband, the wife, or both. It seems obvious. Love is between the couple, the marriage is the couple’s, hence the responsibility lies with the individuals in the marriage. Sometimes, gender differences between men and women are made the culprit.

But it turns out the story isn’t so simple. We’ve gotten the model of marriage wrong, and that in turn has led to expectations that don’t match marriage’s reality. What’s the right model? To arrive at the right model, we need to use a different way of thinking - systems thinking. You’ll see that systems thinking reveals the invisible forces that act on marriage, causing couples to behave the way they do, like puppets being yanked around on strings. Nobody likes being a puppet and it’s no wonder that couples routinely file for divorce.

This book reveals the system that’s the puppeteer and in doing so, gives us a better understanding of marriage.